Late night hosts have entered full DNC TV mode as campaign season enters its home stretch. While Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers managed to make the same anti-Herschelwalker joke on Thursday, Jimmy Kimmel worried about what might happen to women should Republicans win the Birth Con Troll.
Colbert was the first to appear on CBS’s The Late Show. Colbert couldn’t believe what he heard after watching a clip on Fox of Herschel Walker, the Georgia Republican Senate nominee, saying that he would put his resume against that of former President Obama.
After a long pause Colbert posted a chart showing the resumes of the two men.
Bold! Let’s compare your resume to his. Barack Obama was the first black president for the Harvard Law Review, an American university. The Senator, President of the United States, has won the Nobel Peace prize. He also has two Grammies, three number one best-selling books, an Emmy, and has a multimillion-dollar Netflix deal. Osama bin Laden was also killed.
Walker is “Herschel Walker” according to Walker’s resume. He is a good football player, holds the single-season Georgia pregnancy record, and his brain was broken. It’s not easy to distinguish the differences between them.
Meyers was also stunned to hear the news on NBC’s Late Night. He had just played video of the same Fox segment and was shocked later. He explained, echoing Colbert:
Dude was president of Harvard Law Review, senator, and president. He won an Emmy, a Grammy, and was Time’s person-of-the-year. He also went kitesurfing alongside Richard Branson. He’s now a Netflix producer and has the ability to keep the laid-back style he had post-presidency. He could climb Everest with shades on and at most two shirt buttons undone.
He was also a terrible president, despite all of that. Ironically, Meyers and Colbert also laud Obama’s celebrity status when this all started when Obama criticized Walker because he was a celebrity candidate. Also, Obama’s resume was thinner when he ran for office for the very first time.
Jimmy Kimmel said that the midterms were about abortion. “This is a very important election.” All Americans have the right to choose, except if you’re a woman living in Texas, Arkansas or Oklahoma, South Dakota.
Then he presented a skit about what would happen if Republicans won. The skit opened with a narrator saying, “The new state laws on abortion are so confusing. What are you allowed to do about your body in your state’s laws? The Birth Con Troll is a doll from Elf on the Shelf that ensures your uterus conforms to local laws.
The narration explained that the Birth Con Troll can detect when you’re having menstruation because it “tracks your cycle.”
The ad’s woman says, “I don’t want that.” The narrator then adds, “It doesn’t matter what your want, the Birth Con Troll can destroy your unsanctioned contraceptives, monitor your diet and cancel your IVF appointments. He can scan your private messages, examine the contents of your stool and sing so, o, so so, o, so… [bleep] more.”
The narrator stops the woman from trying to leave and says, “Ofcourse you can go.” It’s a free nation, but the Birth Con Troll needs to ensure that you aren’t leaving the state for an abortion. You can leave a sample on our built-in pregnancy test.
Republi-Ken declares Barbie “my fertility vessel” at the end of the ad.
Kimmel must motivate his viewers to vote.
Colbert was sponsored in part by Lactaid and Meyers by Liberty Mutual.
Here are transcripts from the November 3 broadcast:
CBS The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
11/3/2022
11:44 PM ET
STEPHEN COLLBERT: Bold! Let’s compare your resume to his. Barack Obama was the first black president for the Harvard Law Review, an American university. The Senator, President of the United States, won a Nobel Peace prize, received two Grammies and three number-one best selling books. He also has a multimillion-dollar Netflix deal. Osama bin Laden was also killed.
That’s not too bad. Let’s not forget Herschel Walker, who is a good football player, holds the single-season Georgia pregnancy record, and has a brain injury. They are not all the same, and it is difficult to distinguish them.
…
NBC Late Nate with Seth Meyers
11/4/2022
12:43 AM ET
SETH MEYERS : I do. It’s like me saying, “Einstein, I’m smarter than him that he could never drink a day with Post Malone.” You don’t have Obamas resume, but you do know how I know. Obama never had to wear a fake sheriff badge during a debate, as if he was pretending to be Deputy Dog.
Dude was president of Harvard Law Review,” a senator and president. He won an Emmy, a Grammy, and was Time’s person-of-the-year. He also went kitesurfing alongside Richard Branson. He’s now a Netflix producer and has a Netflix deal. He still maintains the laid-back style he had post-presidency. He could climb Everest with shades on and at most two shirt buttons undone. “I chose to climb Everest because it is here. It’s also the only place where I can smoke without Michelle knowing.”
…
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
11/3/2022
11:44 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL – This is a crucial election. All Americans have the right to choose, except for women in Texas, Arkansas and Oklahoma, South Dakota or South Dakota. But this is why you must vote. You must register to vote. If Republicans win control of Congress, they will almost certainly ban a nationwide ban against abortion. It’s been done in several states, and by Christmas-time, every American woman could be required to have one.
NARRATOR: The new state laws on abortion are so confusing. What is the state’s policy on abortion? The Birth Con Troll is a doll from Elf on the Shelf that ensures your uterus conforms to local laws.
WOMAN: Are his eyes glowing?
NARRATOR: This means that you are having menstrual cycles.
WOMAN: How does it know this?
NARRATOR: It tracks your cycles.
WOMAN: That is not what I want.
NARRATOR
WOMAN: Do not ignore him.
NARRATOR: Check your private messages and examine your stool. Sing so, soooo, so… [bleep]
WOMAN: I’m out!
NARRATOR: Yes, you can. It’s a free nation, but the Birth Con Troll must first verify that you are not leaving the state for an abortion. You can leave a sample of your urine on the built-in pregnancy tester.
WOMAN: I’m not going to pee on that.
NARRATOR: Would you like to attend your aunt’s funeral here in Wisconsin?
WOMAN: [bleep]
NARRATOR: The Birth Con Troll. Delivery is not only free but mandatory. The makers of Unwanted Barbie Barbie and Republi Ken
REPUBLIKEN: Barbie is my fertility vessel.
