ghts from the ammoline // (Scott Johnson).

Ammo Grrrll mentions a few HIDEOUS DISAPPOINTMENTS. She writes:

Baruch Hashem (praise God). I have been a very lucky person throughout my life. I have been blessed with great friends, health, and love. I have accomplished almost everything I set out to do since being born prematurely in this world 3 months before my due date. It took some effort to achieve my first goal, “Stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive”. However, I found that most of my other goals were quite modest so it isn’t really worth achieving them.

Check! “Bake brownies.” Check! Check!

Even the most fortunate life will have some rain. My junior year of highschool was a disappointment. I applied for AFS foreign student. Seventy-eight students applied, and a committee narrowed it to 15. To my surprise and delight, I was still in contention. Another committee narrowed it down to The Final Four. I was still in. Holy Cow! Sweden had indicated that they wanted a nerd. To avoid any bias in the local community, it was decided to send the essays and four applications to the AFS Office, New York City. One day, a school announcement congratulated the winner. This was not me.

My hopes were too high and the fall was very steep. Merle Haggard’s song “I’m Always on a Mountain When I Fall” is a favorite of mine. I did worry that I would cry IN SCHOOL. I told the School Nurse that I felt unwell, and she sent me home. I cried my eyes out and stayed there for a while.

I fought back by suppertime lest Daddy tell my to stop crying or give me something to cry about. When I returned to Sweden two years later, I realized that I would have to be sent home early in disgrace as I would have been too lonely without my family. Even when you think it will break your heart, sometimes things do work out in your favor.

My earliest disappointment, but a valuable lesson, was at age 3, when I was first exposed to Cotton Candy at Brookings (South Dakota). Cotton Candy looked amazing, all pink and fluffy and huge on a stick. It was a must-have!

Poor parents – Daddy, a Pharmacy student on G.I. Bill brought down $80 per month — somehow he found the nickel to pay for this treat. I took one large bite and it quickly turned into half a teaspoon of sickeningly sweet, melted chocolate in my mouth. I burst into tears, according to some sources. It sounds exactly like me, though I don’t remember it!

It was almost as if The Universe whispered softly: “Ah, remember that, Grasshopper, some things that seem really appealing and too good to be true are just a fizzle.” Or, in the case a Madoff or crypto-crook who stole your life savings, a life-altering catastrophe!

Speaking of making off, I was struck by the story of Sam Brinton, a luggage thief and ex-nuclear watchdog, who dressed up as a dog to steal my luggage. Talk about a horrible disappointment! There was one upside to this story: he could have convinced Court that it was all a terrible error. ?”

First of all, this suitcase is a vintage, small, cheap, and early-styled rollerboard that fits nicely in the overhead compartment. It has rarely been on the luggage cart. It is not without cause. It is quite embarrassing. It has a small, round spot about the size of half a dollar where my male cat sprayed it before I could get it away. It was 35 years ago. The smell is almost gone.

Typically, Mr. Brinton (they and them, The Defendant) would find 3 pairs of jeans that fit someone just.2 inches shy of five feet when he opened his purloined treasure. There are also t-shirts that say “Homeland Security Prescott, Arizona”, with a picture showing several burly rifle-bearing horses and not one of them wearing lipstick (neither they nor the horses). Another one might show a bullseye target, with the X in its middle being destroyed by three discrete raggedy holes in tight groups. There would also be a tie dye sweatshirt that reads “Alexandria,” Minnesota. Represent!

Dress-up is possible with a long-sleeved Western-style shirt with snaps and RUGER down one arm in bright orange. Socks. Unremarkable undergarments. Two pairs of slip-on Skechers. A notebook marked “Ideas to columns”, most pages are blank, and some pages have notes such as “dentist 1958” without any idea of what that means. A Sudoku book with puzzles. Some pages were filled in well, but some pages had deep, angry ink marks. I found two 8s in the same box when I reached the last row.

My equally-prized fanny bag contains a lipstick, eyebrow pencil, and no makeup. Except for the silver earrings and rings that I always wear, there is no jewelry. No designer dresses or high heels.

This is a fact: The same suitcase with almost the same contents, with the addition of one Little Black Dress, low heels and a leather jacket, went on a 10-day trip from London to Israel and Paris. Beat THAT, ladies! I remember when I used to travel a lot for work, I saw women with four suitcases to take to San Diego for a long weekend.

But let’s not forget the theme of bitter failures. When the Minnesota Twins moved their franchise to Minnesota in 1961, I was a passionate fan. Our family never missed a game, whether it was on the radio or television. We attended two games per year in person, taking the nosebleed seats and going to Dayton’s basement school-shopping trip the next day. We all had our favourite players – me, Zoilo Versalles, and Camilo Pascual. Mother: Lenny Green, Earl Battey. Daddy: Bob Allison, Jim Lemon. EVERYBODY loved Hammerin’ Harmon Killebrew. Despite not being able to remember your name, I can still tell you the numbers of the first team.

1965 is here, I’m in college, and the Twins have already reached the World Series! First, I noticed that the national announcers weren’t as pro-Twin as our announcers. One of our guys once said that Jose Valdevioso was an uninspiring backup shortstop and had lost a ground ball in the sun.

The Twins lost Game 7 2-0 due to Drysdale’s unfair pitching advantage. It was a bitter disappointment. But I did learn a few funny things. Sandy Koufax, a Jew, was famous for sitting out Game One on Yom Kippur. Major League Baseball has very sensitive scheduling! Drysdale got knocked around quite well by the Twins in the opener, 8-2. A reporter joked with Walter Alston during the postgame news conference that Drysdale would be Jewish if he was there.

I know that these stories change, but I first heard Drysdale say it when Alston removed him from the game. This is much more fun, so I’m sticking with it! Comics value “funny”, over “true,” every day of the week. Ask my editor.

Everyone, Merry Christmas and Happy Chappy Chanukah!